An ACLU Holiday Pageant

"MERRY HOLIDAY" from the ACLU

Once upon a time on a winter's evening fair,
appeared a fine figure as quick as a hare

Arriving on a sleigh on a brisk wind so cool,
the figure got out and walked towards your kid's school....

Teacher: Okay kids, settle down and finish your milk. Today we have a very special holiday treat for you...

Kids: Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

Teacher: We're going to have an extra special visitor who wears a red suit and comes from a far away and cold land, so I want you kids to be super nice.....


Timmy: Is it....is it....SANTA CLAUS???

Luis: IT MUST BE SANTA!!!!

Nicole: Yay! SANTA!!!! I want a pony!

Billy: I'm gonna leave him cookies!!!

Christine: Did he bring his waynedeers?

Kids: Yaaaaaayyyyy SANTA!

[visitor walks into the room]

Timmy: wait....thats not.....

Teacher: Now I want you kids to give an extra special kindergarten welcome to our new friend from the ACLU, HOLIDAY CLAUS!

[kids are silent]

HOLIDAY CLAUS: GO GO GO, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Hello children!!! I hope everyone is having an extra tolerant and inclusive holiday season.....

Luis: Aren't you supposed to say "Ho Ho Ho"?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now then, little boy, "Ho" is a word that might be construed as a derogatory epithet towards women. "Go" is a positive and empowering word which encourages participation, diversity, and tolerance!

Christine: Why do you look like that?


Johnny: You don't look like santa....

Timmy: He's a girl.....

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Precisely, little boy! In fact, I am the first female Alaskan Eskimo/Inuit/Native American to be recognized as a holiday icon! I was created by the wonderful people down at the American Civil Liberties Union to be the most inclusive and inoffensive holiday symbol ever, and to make sure no one is ever offended by others celebrating their faith.

Billy: BUT I WANT SANTA!


HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now now, little boy, using the "S" word here in this classroom is intolerable because that would violate the constitutional separation between church and state. You see, if we don't respect the separation between church and state, people like George W. Bush and Bill O'Reilly will break in to your home late at night, kill your parents, and baptize you while you sleep! How would you like that, to wake up with water all over your head and a George W. Bush singing Christian hymns next to the lifeless bodies of your mommy and daddy???


Billy [eyes welling up with tears]: I want my mommy!!!

Christine: Can we sing Cwistmas cawols?

Luis: I like Rudolph the Red Nosed Rein...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: CHILDREN! The "C" word is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN from this classroom! Why, what has your teacher been teaching you???

Teacher: What's the big deal? Christmas is only ten da...


HOLIDAY CLAUS: ENOUGH! I will not tolerate that word spoken here in this classroom!!! What are you trying to do, get this kids convicted of THOUGHTCRIMES?

Nicole: Th--thawtcwimes???

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Yes, little girl, thoughtcrimes.

Jimmy: What's a taughtcrime?

Luis: I want to go home!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Well, children, its actually quite simple. A thoughtcrime occurs when: 1) A person with white colored skin 2) who is Christian 3) believes in, thinks of, or speaks of ideas or concepts which might be construed by any non-white skinned or non-Christian person as offensive in any way, shape, or form.

Jimmy: I like Chips Ahoy. Is that a thoughtcwime?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Not unless eating cookies offends a non-Christian or someone with skin that is not white.....

Luis: I have white colored skin and I love Santa. Am I guilty?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Are you Christian?


Luis: Yes.

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Then you are guilty.

Luis: Aye, dios mio!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: OH...was that Spanish I did hear? Why, then you are not guilty after all! I forgot to mention: Spanish speakers and thier children cannot commit thoughtcrimes.

Luis: Yay! I'm gonna call my daddy in Madrid and tell him how good I am!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh....did you say Madrid as in Spain? Forget it, you're guilty.

Luis [crying]: I don't like Holiday Claus! I want to go home!

Christine: Can we pet your waynedeers?

Tommy: Yeah, I wanna see your sleigh!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Okay, kids, follow me... [walks outside to street in front of the school; kids follow]

Billy: Is that your sleigh???

Christine: Where are your waynedeers?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Children! I'm disappointed in you! Don't you know that its wrong to capture innocent anmials and make them do your bidding? Hasn't PETA visited you yet?

Tommy: Who's Peter?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Silly children! My sleigh is climate change resistant and earth friendly! Its made of a lightweight polystyrene and latex epoxy resin composed entirely of recyled 2 liter Coca-Cola bottles and used condoms. It's powered by a team of four ultra-efficient hybrid cars, each which cost more than $107,000. On a good day, I can crank that baby up to almost 25 miles per hour!

Christine [sobbing]: BUT I WIKE WAYNEDEER...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now then, little one, don't cry! Would a nice holiday gift make you cheer up?

Kids: Yaaaaaaayyyyy! CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: CHILDREN! I warned you about using the "C" word. It is simply intolerable in today's day and age...

Billy: why?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Why? Because whoever uses the "C" word is an un-American traitor to our country. You see, kids, a long time ago the founders of our country wrote a document called The Constitution. In The Constitution, it was written that every American citizen has the absolute right to never be offended.

Teacher: I don't remember that being in the Constitution! Exactly where are you getting that from?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh sure, it's in there- in the 34th Amendment right next to the right to have an abortion.

Teacher: Wait a minute, there aren't 34 amendements......

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Sure there are. But I digress. Using the "C" word or celebrating Christian holidays on public property also violates the constitutional separation between church and state! It's a slippery slope and we must be ever vigiliant! You see, first they'll be putting "C" trees in front of the courthouse and before you know it they will throw out the law books and use Jesus law instead. In the end, we'll all be forced to pay tithes to the Pope and atheists will be burnt at the stake. So you see, we have to stop the pernicious merger of church and state right where it starts- on decorated pine trees and in cheap plastic light-up nativity scenes at the local firehouse!

Nicole: [tugging on Holiday Claus' shirt] H-Holiday Claus.....w-why do you say that Cwismas is so o-opensive?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: "C" is offensive to anyone who isn't Christian. Think of your little Jewish friend, Josh. Do you really want to make him feel left out during the holiday season? What are you, some sort of little Eichmann or something?

Nicole [begins crying]: n-no...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now Joshua, don't you feel included now that no one can celebrate "C" any longer?

Josh: No, not weally. Do you think Batman could beat Superman in a fight?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: My, the violence we teach our youth! Don't you know that fighting is never the answer?

Billy: Holiday Claus, you said we could have presents.....

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Ah, yes, I almost forgot...... who wants PRESENTS???

Kids: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Timmy: I want a battle bot 2000!

Jimmy: I want an Plastation 3!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Great! How about......you! You there- take this wonderful gift...

Jimmy [glumly]: Oh.......its a....................book.

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Why, its not just a book! Its a limited edition of Susan Sontag's final tome on Gender Economics as Applied to African Americans Between the Ages of 18 and 34! Isn't that exciting?!?

Jimmy: ummm............ thanks.......I guess.......

HOLIDAY CLAUS: And this for you, little girl! It's by the French postmodern deconstructionist Jacques Derrida!

Christine [tears welling up]: But I wanted a pony....

Luis: Holiday Claus, can I have one of those things you have stuck to your chest?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh, you mean these? Silly boy, they're awareness ribbons! Red is for AIDS, yellow is for cancer, pink is for breast cancer, multi-culored is for autism, blue is for blue balls and lavender is a catch-all ribbon for all of the maladies I've forgotten to be aware of.

Luis: What's khaki for?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: My my, I seem to have forgotten. Now then, what gift would you like? How about this free copy of Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them?

Luis: He looks like a doody head...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Nonsense, Al Franken is a great American hero! Fine, take this Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" bracelet. At least now you'll be aware. Okay now, children, gather 'round for Holiday Claus must leave you all very soon.

Kids: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: But before I depart, the ACLU mandates that we all gather around the Holiday Tree and sing a Holiday Carole!

Nicole: Can we sing Come All ye Faithful???

HOLIDAY CLAUS: [very angry] CERTAINLY NOT! One more outburst like that and ill have to call the lawyers to this school! Okay kids, I'm through with your intolerant backwards red-state antics! No more nonsense. Hold hands and stand in a circle around the Holiday Tree right this instant! [the frightened kids comply] Good. Now repeat after me: WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME....WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME.....

Kids [some crying]: WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME...WE SHALL O-VER-CO-OME....

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Wonderful! [hops into her earth-friendly sleigh] Remember, kids, the ACLU cares about you. We are here to fight for tolerance and religious diversity! We only want to protect you from biased right-wing religious whackos and those who would lead you into thoughtcrime temptation. Remember, kids, that unless you want to live in a brutal theocracy, you must fight to make sure there are no decorated trees on public land! Please help us in our fight to eradicate thoughtcrime and offensiveness forever! Farewell children! A tolerant and inclusive holiday to all, and to all a good night! GO GO GO! [Holiday Claus speeds off towards the next elementry school].

And off went the bitch out into the cold,
and her hybrid cars' wheels started to roll.

And all of the childern began to be happy,
'cause they knew that Christmas no longer'd be crappy.

And back in the school the ACLU was gone,
and they celebrated Christmas like they had all along!

MERRY HOLIDAY AND AN EMPOWERING NEW YEAR FROM YOUR FREINDS AT THE ACLU!

Ripped From Milwaukee CL R&R